I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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