So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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