Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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