I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize