so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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