Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize