Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
