My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
