It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
