Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize