Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
