TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
