does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
