If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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