i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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