That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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