she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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