I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
