I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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