I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
