true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
