last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
