When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
