I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
