Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
