he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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