drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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