2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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