The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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