Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This baby is an asshole
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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