I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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