Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
