I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
