In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
