He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
