i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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