david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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