He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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