you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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