I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
NoShamevember. You game?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
