it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
