I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
