Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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