I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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