Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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