I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
