good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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