i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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