You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Holy shit dude........stairs
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
