Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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