how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
