Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
