1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
