This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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